Divine vessel, Patriots Blood: An African daughters path & alchemy of grief (part one)

 

The human heart navigates grief along its own unique and deeply personal course. For me, my father's passing—he was the patriarch, the anchor of our community—compelled me to be fully present during his final days. He was my compass, the proving ground where I learned so much. I was privileged to care for him in Seattle, a way to honor his profound influence on my life. Subsequently, destiny offered me two years in Ethiopia, a precious window to bid him farewell, a significant grace given the geographical distance that had grown between us.

Human intentions often remain veiled, driven by the primal need for survival, revealing themselves most clearly in the pursuit of control & power. I witnessed painful realities during grief, change & evolution, yet I consciously chose a path guided by a higher purpose, embracing self-forgiveness & discovering detachment in stillness. In sacred remembrance of my father's unwavering integrity, choosing to serve & building a built to last lifestyle, choosing peace than power. We had challenged eachother to finally negotiate advisor role than dictator by my 16th birthday. I celebrated his life through my personal transformation,  success, sharing moments of joy in the global world, and cherishing his indomitable spirit at my epic MBA Graduation celebration I threw in a Pan-African restaurant, as well dedicating my business Deldeyoch in his legacy.

My Solo journey overland to +10 countries in Africa began in Alexandria, Egypt, eventually reaching the Zambezi River, weary yet resolute. Six countries, five journals filled with reflections, and numerous hardships marked the overland journey. Yet, experiencing Africa as a Black woman in mourning offered a unique and profound perspective. Each nation pulsed with its own distinct history. In moments of stillness, I could discern whispers of the past. The West had instilled a certain ego; Africa offered the strength of a spiritual warrior. 

The Pacific Northwest had been a place of healing in my 20s, after a toxic partnership ended, and I chose PNW to heal my soul, as it embraced me from start. However, returning to Africa successful & spiritually lead in solitude, my truth was often met with incomprehension, almost challenged by most, to hijack my being. A single African woman in a position of power traveling through Africa was clearly unexpected for all. 

As the Sole black woman in life, interconnected & multidimensional, on the overland journey in Africa, my sobriety and commitment to solitude stood out. This immersive experience yielded invaluable data and insights that would later inform Deldeyoch. I observed that many people create chaos, numb their body, experiment, experience & break their covinent with God as a way to avoid confronting the present moment, doing shadow work & feeling our deepest fears.

I faced resistance with my mother, family, partners, the society itself, as well as humanity, determined to enslave my free spirit, threaten, manipulate, & try to bully to submission.  Having only my father's values as a guiding force in my life, surrendering ultimately only to God, I felt shielded, protected & content. A childhood vow of self-sufficiency resurfaced a decade later, as I returned to Ethiopia with what the world considers wealth, success, health, and a sense of inner power, intending to serve. The degree of sabotage, manipulation, the sudden desperate need for affiliation, and the sheer number of vultures, vampires, and masked hijackers drawn to my success as a woman was astounding. It was like moth to fire, In my stillness, my privacy, and my inner journey, I succeeded in my calling, & buried my father, observed the politics of illusionary family, community, society & humanity armoured & in survival, and left Africa just like how I came, in private. I also felt grief, anger, rage, clouded, gagged & coded by outdated social institutions, level of desperation, the level of theft, pathalogical lying & suppression of woman on woman. As a knower, observer, watcher, & grounded to God, constantly in prayer, fasting, meditation & awareness from God's view, Africa overwhelmed all my senses after two years of immersion. 

I mourned another year, taking a SA batical through Europe & America, What is my Purpose? 

I was grateful for my life, support & loving friends globally, as a woman blessed with my feminine divinity, not just for my father, but the fate of Africa & Ethiopia. I endured violent verbal attacks, threats, force,  blackmail, emotional abuse, and bullying from family members steeped in guilt, shame, and envy. Many were deeply entrenched in outdated institutions, armored by trauma, victims of unresolved mother wounds, low vibe energy, ego-driven patriarchy, pervasive fear, and generational trauma, clinging to a need to belong, control & power, guided by labels that gave pychopaths as leaders, & artists as vagabonds.

They often chose low vibrational methods, seemingly unaware of the liberation offered by a Christ-centered path. Burdened by ancestral weight within religious, matriarchal, & patriarchal structures that no longer served them. It seemed that only a collective awakening of one generation could break free from these ancestral traps,  allowing humanity to embrace authentic selfhood and create a new earth. I came to understand that ego death is a solitary rebirth. I endured all that I felt, as I knew this was my spiritual battle I had to endure to take care of my father & say my final goodbyes.

The high vibe energy frequency surrounding me seemed to trigger those around me, leading them to resort to dark energies and manipulation. My spirit observed the intense and often chaotic emotional release. Despite my sincere efforts, I became the perceived antagonist, perhaps mirroring our collective failure to take responsibility for our own shadows. 

By the age of 30 in PNW, having taking care of myself half my life, I had witnessed more than the average human, and become my feminine divinity in solitude, interconnected. I experienced a spiritual awakening and embraced a lean life dedicated to service, following ancient faith-based spiritual practices daily to cultivate presence and discipline my mind to resonate at a higher frequency. With spiritual practices, prayer, meditation, fasting & eating healthy to lead me to Success, transformed into a quiet inner strength. 

Self-sufficient in the Pacific Northwest, influenced solely by God, in my success, I became acutely aware of the envy and toxic individuals drawn to my energy, including insecure partners from every continent, as men are hunters, but they find out quickly I am not pry. Grateful for the spiritual lifestyle I had cultivated in love, & light, I honored my father's spirit with an overland journey through Africa Solo—a true pilgrimage of remembrance, as deep within me resided my authentic feminine divinity warrior, that was stifled that I wanted to honour.

Why the African brain drain? So many around me in their 30s were trapped by fear, distrustful, lost, living in repetitive survival mode, often vengeful, power hungry, mistaking toxic systems for wisdom, clinging to labels assigned by human beings that held little true meaning, and operating behind masks of competition, control, force, and manipulation in a desperate grab for false power. 

My being deeply yearned for ancestral soil, to align to Gods universe. I sought a deeper understanding of how to use my gifts, blessings & inner wisdom. By 35, I had began to question my purpose, keenly observing the fallibility of others. I found most partners I met that I felt safe, secure & protected with were not equally yoked spiritually, as most had chosen atheism, agnostic & become non believers to disassociate from their childhood trauma. I accepted, acknowledged & embraced Gods choice for my spirit, that marriage, children & family was a long term process. You cannot imagine how free I felt once God revealed the insight that I can venture in life without the institute of marriage, & choose not to bring innocent children in this sinful world unless I was consciousness.

My faith became my sole anchor. My spirit felt constrained within a Western system seemingly built on ancestral extortion. Masked by Western education, wealth & masked as progress. I confronted my ego in a process of awakening, something within me needed a Spiritual awakening, blessed with unique gifts. I prayed for clarity regarding my purpose, ultimately choosing to travel overland across Africa to gain a profound understanding of how to live a spiritual purpose life as a woman in the 21st-century.

This journey into serving & overlanding through Africa, despite my mental resistance & inner battle, spiritually ignited my awakening after two years in what felt like a stifling environment. An inner whisper urged me to confront deep-seated fears and relentlessly seek truth. Many around me mistook my heightened awareness for fear, attempting to manipulate me, but would soon learn I do not take projects without an exit strategy if I feel unethical practices. I continued to evolve, aligning myself with God in isolation, surrendering only to His guidance.

Once a young banker, I held the position of COO in Ethiopia and Assistant VP in the Pacific Northwest, all while honoring my father's enduring spirit. My UNDP head called me an enigma amidst a web of conspiracies, even withholding my salary. Despite the conflict, I inaugurated an Entrepreneur center, resigning shortly after, stating clearly that God, not him, had entrusted me with the vision for the project. In the midst of grief, having achieved significant milestones privately, I consciously chose a different journey—an inward exploration through the heart of Africa, seeking my true essence, standing at a crossroads between a secure life and the uncharted territory of selfless service in Africa. The abundance of gifts I had received called for reciprocity. I departed, guided by a profound sense of divine purpose, recognizing my deep and intrinsic connection to the land.

My spirit felt unconfined, yet so many readily labeled me "American." The Western curriculum I had absorbed couldn't fully contain the breadth of my being. It seemed the world, as a collective ego, exploited fear as a tool for control. After a decade, a sense of disconnect persisted. Returning solely to the familiar felt like a stifling of my spirit's true expression. True liberation, I realized, embraces the unknown. I knew that my authenticity and freedom would likely be met with envy, manifesting as attacks often masked by religious rhetoric. My father's wisdom guided me to trust only Christ. Torn between the familiarity of the Pacific Northwest and the deep pull of my ancestral land, I witnessed global self-sabotage and inherited chaos.

In the realm of worldly success, nearly everyone sought to influence me through manipulation. Shocked by the perceived importance of power in these interactions, I gained a clearer understanding of my own ego. Ethiopia and Africa, with their ancient and rich societies, held a deep significance for me, yet I observed a sense of self-sabotage within Ethiopia. My quest became the foundation for Deldeyoch (2010), a means through which I could contribute authentically. The journey itself ignited a new sense of purpose. Despite my Western education, I felt a profound lack in certain areas. If I could successfully operate a bank and simultaneously care for my dying father, I knew I could emotionally detach from toxic ties. As a free-spirited Black woman, my God-aligned power seemed to disturb many. My being belonged to God alone. A profound realization in 2009 struck me: why were so many so-called religious Africans limited in their sense of self-worth? How could I gain deeper truth to truly serve God?

Most travelers in Africa seemed primarily interested in safari thrills. As a young Australian man reflected to me in a Lusaka cafe, "So many Black people in Africa...?" It highlighted a common perspective among many white Europeans, Afrikaners, and white inhabitants of Africa, often thinking & economically empowered to believe they owned Africa. At the end of my trip, I was overwhelmed with disbelief. I had never confronted racism in my entire life, but I know what rejection, disrespect, colorism, and entitled behavior & narcism was as I was raised in a family & society that exhibited such behaviour. 

Even among locals in the country, I often felt like an outsider, as I was an outsider to them. Hair care became a source of fascination for many. The simple acts of washing and braiding my hair across different countries often drew numerous questions. I tried to maintain a playful attitude, changed my attire daily, had people wash my clothes in each country, and made sure I stayed in a room when I could, otherwise reading throught the +10 countries, peaceful in my solitude.

 Overland Africa became a container for my sorrow, egoic minded false state, gradually aligning my spirit. I also mourned the lasting impact of historical oppression. As an Ethiopian-American, I felt like a stranger in my own land, acutely aware of systemic issues. I often sought moments of solitude to detach, read, and reflect alone, a practice familiar to my family, friends, and partners on our shared travels, as I felt content within, not outside.

Leading a startup bank had taught me about systemic barriers, ethical considerations, and outdated practices. Traveling solo across Africa mirrored many of these challenges. Our dignified Kenyan and Zambian staff were often unfairly barred or overlooked. My respectful treatment of them was sometimes seen as bizarre by others. 

Confronting racism directly ignited a fire within me, but the silence of complicity often felt even louder. Witnessing such inequities in the very cradle of civilization deeply troubled me. Friends in the Pacific Northwest had warned me about some of these realities. It was during this time that the blueprint for Deldeyoch began to solidify in my mind. I realized that one person, through dedicated action and even sacrifice, could indeed make a significant difference, a commitment that few partners might fully accept, as it is a suicidal mission to use oneself, to experiment.

 In Livingstone, Zambia, a sunset cruise on the Zambezi River brought a profound moment of reflection. I thought deeply about my father and my ancestors. What is life without truly feeling alive? I visited the majestic Victoria Falls, utterly awestruck by its power and beauty. Invited to a colonial-era hotel, I respectfully declined, unable to comfortably occupy spaces that felt steeped in erasure. Instead, I walked through Victoria Falls Town alone, claiming my own experience.

Victoria Falls, or Mosi-oa-Tunya, a place imbued with contested histories. 

Crossing into Zimbabwe, I felt tested in new and profound ways. White water rafting on the Zambezi River with a predominantly white group revealed subtle undercurrents of resistance. The Zimbabwean guide, with a quiet understanding, positioned me beside him in the raft, his protection palpable. 

While my MBA and banking experience provided a solid foundation, it was ancestral wisdom and the vibrant spirit of African entrepreneurship that truly fueled my drive. We entered the churning waters. The Zambezi is classified as Grade 5 for rafting—just one level below being commercially un-runnable. Its infamous rapids—“The Devil’s Toilet Bowl,” “Oblivion,” “Stairway to Heaven”—raged and roared around us. At Rapid 25, I met the raw power of the water head-on, as if in battle. And I didn’t flinch. I rose with the waves.

We stopped for lunch mid-river, completely soaked and breathless. I sat quietly, honoring my father's memory, mourning the systems that had tried to erase our history and dignity, and marveling at the sheer, untamed power of nature surrounding us. No mountaintop meditation could have offered such a visceral and profound experience.

And then came the climb. Out of the deep gorge. A brutal ascent that stretched for what felt like hours. My body screamed in protest with every upward step. Yet, my spirit roared with a fierce determination. By the time I finally reached the top, I collapsed into a profound silence.

The next day, my body refused to move. I lay by a tranquil pool, my muscles wrecked and aching, my gaze fixed on the vast expanse of the sky above, feeling both utterly humbled and deeply proud of the journey I had undertaken thus far—from walking the biblical lands to traversing the heart of Africa. No one had adequately warned me that the rush of adrenaline could leave its own unique kind of bruise, a deep ache that resonated through my being. I realized that spiritual warfare could indeed be waged through the very sinews of muscle and the sweat of physical exertion. Ultimately, my questions to God in those moments were fundamental: how can I serve authentically on my own? Why am I here in this life? What is my true purpose? And what awaits us beyond the veil of death?

That moment on the Zambezi, battling the rapids, felt like a true coronation. A powerful reminder that my presence here was not accidental. That the land itself remembered me, even if the people I encountered sometimes did not. This entire journey—through deep valleys of grief and over exhilarating peaks of adrenaline—was far more than just an adventure. It was a sacred pilgrimage. It was a profound return to a part of myself I had almost forgotten. It was for my Ancestors who whispered that I could. It was for every African daughter who has ever been told, implicitly or explicitly, that she does not belong in her own story.

As my trip continued southward towards Cape Town, I felt compelled to write a letter to the Overland tour company. I felt a deep responsibility to speak my truth. I shared the instances of racism I had witnessed firsthand, the profound pain I carried within me, and the inherent indignity faced by the very people who worked tirelessly to make our journey possible. I also emphasized the urgent need for more inclusive and conscious choices regarding hotels, tour guides, and the places we chose to visit along the way.

In my overland trip through Africa, taking my perhaps naive, innocent, awakened, intelligent, empowered, and yet still ignorant self, I felt overwhelmed by the insidious ways in which the global world has strategically enslaved Africa, often through mental manipulation, preventing its people from fully accessing their inherent worth. Even coining TIA, as this is Africa to mean primitive, that the locals would tell me when I fight on their behalf. I observed that many fellow Africans working in the tourism industry in the countries I traveled through as a solo Black woman traveler often exhibited submissive behavior in the presence of white individuals, yet could be surprisingly disrespectful when I was alone.

My journey across Africa, symbolically baptized by the powerful Zambezi River and deeply etched in the ancient landscapes of my ancestors, was far more than just a personal pilgrimage. It served as the powerful catalyst for the creation of Deldeyoch, an initiative deeply inspired by millennia of Pan-African exchange and the remarkable ingenuity of contemporary African entrepreneurs. Operating with a spirit of freedom and inherent agility,

Fifteen years and over twenty impactful projects later, as well as having traveled to more than thirty countries solo and shared meals and conversations with diverse groups from every continent, it has become clear to me that one woman's solitary quest, fueled by the potent combination of grief, a deep sense of justice, and the profound wisdom of her ancestors, can indeed create meaningful impact in her own evolution and beyond. Writing this blog now, in a new phase of my life characterized by peace, contentment, and observing Africa's powerful awakening to its own inherent worth, brings a genuine smile to my spirit.

Stay tuned.

More reflections to come from my Overland African travels… By Dutchess @deldeyoch